sylvari

Well once again I have fallen off the wagon. You can tell because I haven't been here to tell you how badly I have been doing. Last week was filled with anxiety days and those make me want to fill my face with muffins. lol. However instead of beating myself up which only causes more muffin eating every time I put a muffin in my mouth (yes actual muffins- what were you thinking I meant?) I made sure that my next meal was healthy. The most interesting thing I learned was simply the fact that high anxiety days make me crave sweet carbs like no others.

There have been too many days to write what I have had suffice it to say that it was some bad some good. I do remember one day where all I had was three muffins and a salad. Not my finest day. In the end I didn't gain any weight and actually lost a pound so the balancing act must have paid off.

Oh, and we are going to pretend tonight's pizza rolls and cheesy fries never happened ok? ;) 

This week we start walking! 

Hi everyone! Sorry I haven't been here the last few days, life sometimes spirals out of my control. This is life on an up. Running around, trying to get things done and being distracted by shiny things and never ever finishing anything. Let's see how this affects my food choices. Despite not being here for a few days I still remember what I ate. Still trying to decide if that is clever or sad...

( Don't go into Mr. McGregor's garden: your Father had an accident there; he was put in a pie by Mrs. McGregor. )

So today was the complete opposite of yesterday. Started down, probably around a 3 and slowly worked it's way up to a 6 or so. Hardest part is thinking clearly enough to make good choices about food. Right about 9 this morning for no reason I started to tear up, overwhelmed by sadness I had no idea no clue the source. Almost at the same time I had this gigantic craving for *anything* sweet. I was obsessed by the need for something, anything, sweet. Even suspecting that the two were linked I prowled the lunchroom looking for anything to put the craving to bed and like a gift from some dark, evil heaven came Sharon with a sample of her best vanilla pudding pie for me to try. *sigh* It was a cruel joke the Universe tried to play one me and one I was too weak to resist. However, instead of beating myself up about it I simply made a smarter choice for lunch.

( Today's attempt at food )

So not as good as yesterday but better than lately. Also the idea of a quick sweet or fruit when I have those sugar cravings is a great idea and I think it's one I am definitely going to implement. :)

Night all.

  So I have decided to blog this journey/ struggle I seem to have with food and my brain. Before we start let lay down a little foundation -

I have worked in hospital/nursing home kitchens for almost two decades. I know my nutrition. Since I left I have been keeping up on things because diabetes runs in my family. I know the rules, I know what I **should* eat not just to loose weight but more importantly to stay healthy.

 I know all the rules. Move more, cut 500 cal a day for optimum weight loss (or add a workout) I cannot stand exercise that has no goal. One of the things I loved about Geocaching was it was hiking with a goal. Even when I bitched about it I still enjoyed it more. Don't care that the goal should be muscle mass (for the sugar and the aging) for me there has to be more of a purpose. Gardening, caching, building walls, hell anything that is physical but gets something done I can do but this mindless workout stuff is just not for me. Except for yoga. Yoga is the one thing tha has no obvious payoff that I love. Mostly because I think it pushes me a little yet relaxes me .

 I know why I need to get this under control- My entire family had died from heart disease brought about by type 2 diabetes. (with the exception of my mom. Cancer got her before the sugar could) More muscle means less shots in my ass. It's that simple.

Got a full tool box. What I do not have is control over my brain. Today was a high anxiety day brought about my missing time at the Sunwheel, too much worry about the ice on the roof and end of my moon time hormones. I know I need to be good but the angry voice in my head says " fuck them all! Who else is going to tell me what I can and cannot do" No one, mind you was telling me anything but that is how it works in my head. Starting tomorrow we are going to see just how much the chemicals in my brain affect my eating habits. Today I just wanted to get my toolbox ready.

One more thing - I love the process of food. Everything about it for me is a sensual happy making experience. From creating what to make in my head, going to the grocery store to be inspired, the cooking, the feel of the food, the smells, serving it to people, making them smile, filling them up,all of it. For me it hits all my good buttons. The sensual nature of it. The service aspects. Feeling like I have done something of value. the only thing better than food is sex in terms of experience and good head space for me. Just because food makes me happy does not mean it has to be bad food. New tool to aquire is making healthy food whose process I can enjoy.

Ok, back to the superbowl. tomorrow we get serious.