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Oct. 8th, 2007 08:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sylvariSo I have sat here for the last hour or so staring at my screen debating what to write. There has been alot of turmoil in my life lately and while I would love to put it all down in it's start naked truth we all know that lj is not a place for truths as much as it is a place for controlled information.
Let's start with the disappointments. I am disappointed that people can't see past their own nose to help others. That helping someone does not then mean you are helped. That the people I considered community and family are so uninterested in being a community. I am disappointed in myself for giving up so much of me for so long.
I am sad to hear that people I wanted to trust have proven so untrustworthy. And that they have seemingly changed so much.
My goodwill is slowly evaporating. I know it is not all your fault but you bear some of the responsibility for what has happened. Cowboy up. Tell me you understand where you are fucking up. Try simply saying 'I'm sorry" not "I'm sorry here are my excuses why I am not to blame"
I am a little pissed at myself for falling apart all over the place lately. I used to have this thing called a backbone. Gods only knows where it went. THere also used to be a much larger pool of patience to draw from. Well that is what therapy is for. To help me get some of that back.
While I have limited time I think I need to see more people. Or something.More doing less sitting around and playing in my own poo. There are people I miss an awful lot.
My life is missing two things right now. cake and tits. mostly cake. damn it.
Work came and went today and still no word on what the hell my job actually is. Meantime
projects hang in the balance. *sigh*
Now the good stuff..
My boys are amazingly patient with all this.
School continues to be teh sexorz. If ever there comes a day when I can go full time color me gone.
Sometimes the Universe sends you people just when you need them the most. Thank all the Gods in the Universe for bringing me just such a person today.
My friends, the really good ones, well they are the shit. seriously. :)
Cleaning has a way of making things seem better.
Heroes!!!! oh ya... go Syler go.
THanks to tedivm for making me watch Dexter. Holy shit kinda good.
The cool weather is coming and I feel the urge to get the stove fired up.
Cats are intentionally cute so we don't make earmuffs out of them. It's the only explanation.
Want ink!!
I am beinging to feel wild and reckless.. any takers?
Let's start with the disappointments. I am disappointed that people can't see past their own nose to help others. That helping someone does not then mean you are helped. That the people I considered community and family are so uninterested in being a community. I am disappointed in myself for giving up so much of me for so long.
I am sad to hear that people I wanted to trust have proven so untrustworthy. And that they have seemingly changed so much.
My goodwill is slowly evaporating. I know it is not all your fault but you bear some of the responsibility for what has happened. Cowboy up. Tell me you understand where you are fucking up. Try simply saying 'I'm sorry" not "I'm sorry here are my excuses why I am not to blame"
I am a little pissed at myself for falling apart all over the place lately. I used to have this thing called a backbone. Gods only knows where it went. THere also used to be a much larger pool of patience to draw from. Well that is what therapy is for. To help me get some of that back.
While I have limited time I think I need to see more people. Or something.More doing less sitting around and playing in my own poo. There are people I miss an awful lot.
My life is missing two things right now. cake and tits. mostly cake. damn it.
Work came and went today and still no word on what the hell my job actually is. Meantime
projects hang in the balance. *sigh*
Now the good stuff..
My boys are amazingly patient with all this.
School continues to be teh sexorz. If ever there comes a day when I can go full time color me gone.
Sometimes the Universe sends you people just when you need them the most. Thank all the Gods in the Universe for bringing me just such a person today.
My friends, the really good ones, well they are the shit. seriously. :)
Cleaning has a way of making things seem better.
Heroes!!!! oh ya... go Syler go.
THanks to tedivm for making me watch Dexter. Holy shit kinda good.
The cool weather is coming and I feel the urge to get the stove fired up.
Cats are intentionally cute so we don't make earmuffs out of them. It's the only explanation.
Want ink!!
I am beinging to feel wild and reckless.. any takers?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-10-12 12:18 am (UTC)I did not, by any stretch of the imagination, walk away from our relationship the first time you required extra care and feeding. As to my relative ability to forgive, it is on some level unfair to you because the visceral hurt that I felt was closely tied to being hurt in the exact same way by J's depression- rubbing salt in an open wound, effectively.
This is how my mind works: I can overlook slights, up to a point. If I do not speak up before the point where I am desperately hurt, which I am still learning to do- and being told I'm wrong to do, by Mike, in this thread- then it does not matter if the behavior changes. This is what happened with you, and I am sorry that I did not know how to ask for things, and I am sorry that there are switches in my mind that cannot be reset once they are tripped. This is what happened with J as well, and I have given him the same apology.
The best I can do for myself and anyone I get involved with in the future is to keep practicing asking for what I need before the situation is desperate enough that I resort to taking it by unhealthy means. That's exactly what I tried to do on Friday, and it is reactions like this that kept me from knowing how to do it for 29 years.
no subject
Date: 2007-10-12 03:45 pm (UTC)This statement tells me that you completely missed the point I made repeatedly. I did not say that you are wrong to "speak up", whatever the hell that is supposed to mean. I said that you were wrong to ask J to bring Lisa home last Friday so you could go out. You KNEW they hadn't spent any time together, alone or otherwise, for a long time, and horning in on that time was a shitty thing to do, regardless of why. THAT is the point.