(no subject)

[sylvari]

So I have sat here for the last hour or so staring at my screen debating what to write. There has been alot of turmoil in my life lately and while I would love to put it all down in it's start naked truth we all know that lj is not a place for truths as much as it is a place for controlled information.
Let's start with the disappointments. I am disappointed that people can't see past their own nose to help others. That helping someone does not then mean you are helped. That the people I considered community and family are so uninterested in being a community. I am disappointed in myself for giving up so much of me for so long.
I am sad to hear that people I wanted to trust have proven so untrustworthy. And that they have seemingly changed so much.
My goodwill is slowly evaporating. I know it is not all your fault but you bear some of the responsibility for what has happened. Cowboy up. Tell me you understand where you are fucking up. Try simply saying 'I'm sorry" not "I'm sorry here are my excuses why I am not to blame"
I am a little pissed at myself for falling apart all over the place lately. I used to have this thing called a backbone. Gods only knows where it went. THere also used to be a much larger pool of patience to draw from. Well that is what therapy is for. To help me get some of that back.
While I have limited time I think I need to see more people. Or something.More doing less sitting around and playing in my own poo. There are people I miss an awful lot.
My life is missing two things right now. cake and tits. mostly cake. damn it.
Work came and went today and still no word on what the hell my job actually is. Meantime
projects hang in the balance. *sigh*
Now the good stuff..
My boys are amazingly patient with all this.
School continues to be teh sexorz. If ever there comes a day when I can go full time color me gone.
Sometimes the Universe sends you people just when you need them the most. Thank all the Gods in the Universe for bringing me just such a person today.
My friends, the really good ones, well they are the shit. seriously. :)
Cleaning has a way of making things seem better.
Heroes!!!! oh ya... go Syler go.
THanks to tedivm for making me watch Dexter. Holy shit kinda good.
The cool weather is coming and I feel the urge to get the stove fired up.
Cats are intentionally cute so we don't make earmuffs out of them. It's the only explanation.
Want ink!!
I am beinging to feel wild and reckless.. any takers?

Comments

[pixel.livejournal.com]

No, I dumped you because you were doing nothing but dwelling on how I had treated you poorly in the past, and refusing to attempt to move past it. Because you would tell me how a behaviour was wrong, and I'd ask what I should be doing instead, and you would tell me you had no ideas. Then I'd try doing something else, and be told that that wasn't what you wanted. So I'd ask what you did want and you wouldn't tell me. Or if I *did* manage to find the right new behaviour pattern without any input from you, you would disregard the new behaviour in order to continue to bring up the old behaviour and blame me for that.

In fact, you on *multiple* occasions said things like "Yes, since we discussed X you've been better, but for the two years before that..."

So it basically came down to that you were doing nothing but telling me what I was doing wrong, and what was wrong in the discussion, while being *actively* unwilling to try and change your behaviour, *actively* unwilling to tell me what I could do to change mine, *actively* against the idea of discussing relationship problems, and you would get angry and resentful of time spent trying to discuss the relationship *even* if you suggested we discuss it, and chose the time and place. And I couldn't see any reason to be in a relationship with someone who thought so poorly of me and my actions and told me how bad I was to them, because If I was getting no joy from the relationship and they were telling me how miserable they were in it, and they didn't want to try and change it, I didn't see anything worth fighting for there.

So basically I broke up with you because you were telling me that everything I was doing was wrong, that you didn't want to discuss it, gave the impression that you were unwilling to make any changes in your behaviour for the sake of the relationship, all the fun things we had done you showed little to no interest in, and you were actively shutting me out of large parts of your life, while at the same time getting frustrated and/or angry that I wasn't part of the things you were keeping me from.

Being told that I should be willing to come up and spend time with the kids, then not being invited up, then being told that I wasn't welcome around the kids because you were afraid I'd abandon them (and the irony of being kept away from someone so I wouldn't abandon them was extra bonus dark) were just the sorts of situations that left me in a lose-lose position. And if I tried to talk about these sorts of issues it you didn't want to discuss it, or completely failed to listen to what I said.

And regarding the last-nov depression you decided to drag our relationship into an unrelated discussion over. As I stated I thought rather clearly in one of my emails, I *was* massively depressed at the time, and yes I was lying to you. But the reason I was lying to you was that I was trying to do the best thing I could for you. I was miserably horribly barely-functionally depressed, but even in that state I was trying my damnest to do whatever little things I could to to make life easier for you. Even though I was barely holding myself together, I was trying to make things a little better for you, even if it was a pale miserable attempt it was the best effort I could do and I was doing it for you. Can't imagine how that could possibly apply here.

[mhaille.livejournal.com]

I believe that you thought you were doing the best thing you could for me in November. J believed that he was doing the best thing for Lisa, by staying away. That doesn't make either of you correct, even if I know that your intentions were, indeed, honorable. Nor does it make it hurt any less for the person on the receiving end.

I did not, by any stretch of the imagination, walk away from our relationship the first time you required extra care and feeding. As to my relative ability to forgive, it is on some level unfair to you because the visceral hurt that I felt was closely tied to being hurt in the exact same way by J's depression- rubbing salt in an open wound, effectively.

This is how my mind works: I can overlook slights, up to a point. If I do not speak up before the point where I am desperately hurt, which I am still learning to do- and being told I'm wrong to do, by Mike, in this thread- then it does not matter if the behavior changes. This is what happened with you, and I am sorry that I did not know how to ask for things, and I am sorry that there are switches in my mind that cannot be reset once they are tripped. This is what happened with J as well, and I have given him the same apology.

The best I can do for myself and anyone I get involved with in the future is to keep practicing asking for what I need before the situation is desperate enough that I resort to taking it by unhealthy means. That's exactly what I tried to do on Friday, and it is reactions like this that kept me from knowing how to do it for 29 years.

[tehuti.livejournal.com]

If I do not speak up before the point where I am desperately hurt, which I am still learning to do- and being told I'm wrong to do, by Mike, in this thread-

This statement tells me that you completely missed the point I made repeatedly. I did not say that you are wrong to "speak up", whatever the hell that is supposed to mean. I said that you were wrong to ask J to bring Lisa home last Friday so you could go out. You KNEW they hadn't spent any time together, alone or otherwise, for a long time, and horning in on that time was a shitty thing to do, regardless of why. THAT is the point.