sylvari

Today my sister, mother , andrea and i spoke with the VNA social
worker about the hard choices that mom has to make in regards to her
treatment and care. Her oncologist has been telling us that even with
treatment her prognosis isnt good but is also insisting she comes
back. To the point of issuing an ultimatum yesterday that if she
didn't call him today to make plans to come back he would be dropping
her as a patient. He is also refusing to refill her perscriptions.
We all agree mom is just too weak to go back to radiation. She can't
do it. The likelihood that in her condition it will kill her is pretty
good. She is however, far more lucid than she had been in the
hospital. She is off the morphine and doubled up on the fenatyol and
oxy which is keeping the pain at bay but not making her as loopy as
the morphine did.
There is still alot of questions about just how bad her condition is.
On the one hand it seems as though the doctor thinks there is no hope
for her to be cancer free and on the other hand he is making threats
to get her to come back in. She is now complaining of pain in her eye,
ear and head. We fear its the cancer spreading fairly quickly.
We laid all this out before mom and let her know that no matter what
she chose she could always make up her mind to try something different
if she wanted to.
For now it's hospice. They will help manage her pain, change her
dressing and basically make her feel as comfy as possible. In the mean
time she knows she has to have the will to start eating to build up
her strength with our help, If she starts to feel stronger she can
choose to discontinue hospice care and go back to radiation. She also
knows that if she goes back to radiation and it is too much for her
she can stop again but that will most likely be the end of things. She
has also said that if she gets too ill and needs to go back in the
hospital she doesnt want to. She would rather stay at home with
hospice and just do end of life care.
We now have a plan. If nothing else we can move forward knowing what
mom wants. She wants to get stronger and try radiation but if she
becomes dehydrated again or slips into a coma she doesn't want to go
back to the hospital. All we can do is respect those wishes and help
her in every way we can.

Let me just tell you how not happy I am with this oncologist. Not
just the mixed messages of "she is too far gone" and "get her ass back
in here" but the threats of abandoning a woman who is already at a low
point both physically and mentally. She has been with him for a long
time now and his threats to drop her as a patient because she won't
return a call seem beyond the pale for someone sworn to do no harm.
Actually I am pretty pissed at his unsympathetic treatment here. The
social worker is going to call and talk to him to get the bottom line
simply because deb and I are a little too pissed to speak to him right
now and as it was Andrea who he delivered the threat to and not mom
and we know she is given to the drama queen side of life we will wait
to see if the social worker , who has a bit of distance and
objectivity, can cut through all the bullshit to the heart of the
matter
As for Andrea.... I am trying to be patient and understanding with
her. Honest. However she continues to make this thing about her. When
the social worker asks mom questions she leaps in with an answer and
it is somehow always about how well she is taking care of mom and how
good a friend she is or how much she cares for mom etc etc etc. It is
tiring. She is a great help, she is doing a good job taking care of
mom we all have told her how much we appreciate her help. What we
don't need is for every conversation about mom to be about the martyr
Andrea. There is also no way to get a private conversation with mom
with her around or even at mom's house. She seems paranoid we are
talking about her (which is not true- we are usually talking about mom
crazy I know) As always this woman tests all my patience. IF she
wasn't my mom's best friend I don't know if I could deal with her as
nicely as I have been. Part of me feels badly that I feel this way but
just part of me.

ANyway- Now it's just a waiting game and taking care of mom. On a side
note we are keeping one of the kittens so he can visit mom when she
feels up for it. It seems to cheer her up. On some level I feel
lighter- we have a plan. I work better with plans. How long she will
last is for another time. For now it's all about one day at a time and
no expectations.