The Big Update

[sylvari]

So as many of you may have already seen Mike (Ashke) and I are taking a much needed break from each other. He has packed up some of his things and moved out.
After a year of fighting off and on and off and on again we just have to stop and get a breather. We were tearing each other apart. So we had a long and tearful (mostly me) talk about what we were going to do on Christmas Day. We came to a place where we though a two week separation would be a good thing and then we would go from there. When we got home he got an IM from Aimee and Mich asking him to come over right away. He did and they told him they were having reservations about him moving in temporarily. They didn't want him to go there short term then come home then go back. Aimee also (I am told)let Mike know that if he was going to try and work things out with me again that she could not stand by him. It was too much for her. He was now looking at a decision that he didn't want to make. Me or Aimee. Our love and rocky future or her and their stable relationship. Tough choice and one he didn't want to make. In the end there wasn't much of a choice in the matter. We need to be apart for now. We need to work on ourselves for a while.
Tonight we had dinner and worked out more details. It will be a long and slow process of getting back on even footing in our heads. I have faith we will both be better for this.
Do not think this is a case of "He was an ass" or "she was a bitch" I love Mike and always will. We both did some pretty stupid things to screw up our relationship. If we want to have any hope of salvaging something from the ruins of the old we need to take this step back to the very beginning. He is still one of my best friends and I would like to find that again. So please don't paint him as a bad guy or me as a mean girl. We are just two people who starting hurting each other and could not find a way to stop while still living together.
I need to get into therapy. For a long long time I have felt out of control. For twenty years I kept myself under tight wraps. Not letting any of my real emotions leak thru. Then I met Mike and he woke me up. He made me feel more alive than I had in a long long time.He told me to let my feelings free and not keep them bottled up. Unfortunately the pendulum swung too far the other way and I started to feel out of control. I am a control freak yes and I will need to get help for that because that is one of the roots of my problems. I know some people thought I was jealous of Mike and Aimee but it was more I was feeling out of control and everything I could not control was a source of fear for me. It wasn't just them I was fearful about I was afraid of everything. I freaked out all the time about loosing Mike or Pinky. Everything was slowly spiraling out of control in my head. I had to be mother and father to my family. Both the nurturer and the bread winner and there seemed to be no room for mistakes. And the more the bills piled up,the more I tried to meet our financial goals, the more I tried to meet everyone else's needs and failed the more I felt frantic and fearful every day. And the more I tried to control what I thought I could. That does not work as well as you might think. But I could not stop because alot of the time I could not see it. I am bipolar and when I get into a downward spiral and cannot stop the cyclical thinking I feel (again) out of control and (again) I freak out. I need someone to help me get a handle on this and whatever else is hiding in there. I have made alot of mistakes but hopefully with time, therapy and some 12 step-like mea culpas I can be a better person in the end.

Good night F-list. Sleep well